Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Fear. Excitement. Intrigue?

Yes, fear. Fear to not know what to do, how to act, what to feel. I feel endangered, I feel embraced. I need something to hold on to but at the same time I don't feel confident having to hold on to something, or someone. I've been at ease for so long now, I find it hard to believe I need someone else to be in peace. The thing is I'd really like you to be that someone, but another side of the story is I've just known you for only two weeks or so. It frightens me to realize I've fallen for a guy I met only two weeks ago. It scares me because that has only happened once in my entire life and I don't really remember how I could cope with it back then. I don't know what to say not to give away my situation, I feel defenseless, like a little girl alone in an enormous building. I have so much to say and so much fear to say it and look like a complete fool. What if. That question has bounced in my head the last two weeks. What if I'm falling really deep for you, what if that means you're the one and I'm too scared to accept it? What if I'm doing something wrong by trying to push you away because of my insecurity? Two months ago I decided I'd be single from that moment on until I was entirely ready to begin a relationship, until I was ready to be patient and to trust someone again. I didn't think that moment was to come that fast. I have to admit I'm extremely nervous, anxious, shaky, curious. I don't know what to say or do. I feel everything I could do would be less than what I really feel because I don't think I have the guts yet to show what I feel. I think what I feel is too much to put in words and that's why I don't even try to explain it; I might as well show it with my actions and leave it grow by itself because it has proven to need no help of mine to grow. I had named this entry "fear", but after realizing that's not what I actually feel I should change it. I can't find a word to describe it perfectly so I chose two. I guess later in time I'll find another suitable word. For now, those two will have to do and I'll have to smile and let it flow. In the end, letting things flow has made me who I am today and I can't complain, I'm not as insane as I thought I would end up being after all I've gone through.

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