Dreams

When you finally get everything you wanted, when you accomplish almost all your goals, when you discover the ultimate freedom of being able to decide everything for yourself, and discover
That you
Are more lonely now
Than you have ever been.
It is on that very moment that you learn to hate everything you wanted, all the goals you accomplished and the freedom that came with them, because the person you wanted to enjoy that freedom with, is no longer near, and will never be near again.

You have learnt the hard way that freedom isn't the same when there is no one to share it with. Once you've tasted freedom everything turns sour if you discover it on your own. That's the problem that comes with growing up and discovering that you cannot be alone, that when you're alone, your worst fears and nightmares come to haunt you. You've never been good at being alone and you tried to convince yourself that everything
Was going
To be ok.
But you don't miss your mom or your family. You don't miss your home or your neighbourhood. You miss everything you could've become having grown up there. You miss him. You miss the beautiful couple you were, how his hands fit yours perfectly. How, with only one look at your eyes, he knew exactly what was going on until you decided you didn't want him to know anymore, until you decided to push him away.
Because you two were different.
And now you're going to therapy because you cannot cope with the idea of him being himself and being happy without you, because you cannot understand how you let him go, knowing no one is ever going to love you how he did,
how he does?
You secretly hope that all those messages he leaves around are intended for you, you secretly hope that his heart still has a spot marked with your name.
You only hope
Because you know it would be the most selfish thing to do to expect him to actually still love you after what you did to him and his self esteem and his confidence,
And his trust.
And now you're here, in your bed, which is in fact too big for your own, which would be much better if he was in it. And you think of him, and all the possible and impossible escenarios in which you may have travelled with him, or he may have decided to come live with you, and you go to sleep and force yourself to dream about it because it's the closest you'll ever get to fulfilling those dreams.
And you dream, because that's the only way your heart has to keep pumping, and that's the only way your mind has found to be able to wake up everyday and not hate yourself so much.